Critique & Review

This is a fanfic I wrote a while ago for a competition on a Sailor Moon forum.

Disclaimer thingy: I don't own any of the Sailor Moon characters in this fic.

(*dies* This fic is longer than I remembered! Apologies for the tl;dr. ^^; )

****

In the offices of the Witches 5, Viluy and Cyprine worked on various projects peacefully. A few minutes later, a voice interrupted their work.
"Viluy, Cyprine, get in here!"
Viluy and Cyprine walked into the leader's office, and saw Tellu standing next to the desk.
"Tellu, what happened to Mimete?" Viluy said.
"Mimete failed one time too many. I'm the leader of the Witches 5 now. I'm about to go have a meeting with the Professor. When I come back, I want this office cleaned up, so I can move my stuff in here. It's full of Eudial and Mimete's junk." Tellu said.
"And if we refuse to clean this office?" Cyprine said. Cleaning Tellu's office wasn't her idea of a fun afternoon, and she knew Viluy wouldn't like the idea either.
"Then I'll just tell the Professor that you're not measuring up. You do know what happens to witches who don't meet the Professor's expectations?" Tellu said. She could see that Viluy and Cyprine were thinking about what would happen to them if they didn't measure up to the Professor's expectations, and from the looks on their faces it wasn't pretty.
"Fine," Cyprine said. "We'll clean your office."
"Good." Tellu said, and walked out the door.

* * * * *

A few minutes later Viluy and Cyprine were hard at work sorting through Mimete and Eudial's stuff. They threw out what needed to be thrown out, and saved various other things, like Eudial's plans for weapons which she conveniently hadn't gotten patents for before she died. Mimete's idol magazines were thrown away, along with folders of clippings about various idols that she stored in the filing cabinet. Cyprine also found a pile of manga that was probably Mimete's stacked up next to the filing cabinet, and threw that out as well.
"Who knew Mimete was such a big fan of idols and celebrities?" Viluy said, checking that the folders contained nothing important before throwing them in the trash.
"I knew," Cyprine said. "She always had pop music playing, and pictures of idols stuck around the edges of the computer monitor."
"Really?" Viluy picked up a folder labelled "Kenji Asakawa", and moved away from the filing cabinet. A small book fell out of the folder, and landed on the office floor with a thud. Cyprine picked it up, sat on the computer chair, and started leafing through it.
"Viluy, this looks like Mimete's journal!"
"Really? Let me have a look!" Viluy replied. Cyprine showed her the first page, which had written on it: "Mimete's Journal! Eudial, Tellu, Viluy, and Cyprine KEEP OUT! THIS IS PRIVATE!"
"Private or not, she's gone now, so there's no harm in us reading it." Cyprine said. She continued leafing through the book, stopped on a page, and began to laugh.
"What's so funny?" Viluy said. "If Tellu comes back and this office isn't tidy, we'll get in trouble with the Professor!"
"Forget about cleaning for a second, and listen to this!" Cyprine said. Viluy found somewhere to sit, and Cyprine began to read.

* * * * *

I had a meeting with the Professor today in his lab, like I do every day. As always, the Professor got straight to the point immediately after I entered the lab.
"Mimete, who is your new target?"
I picked up a magazine, and flicked through it until I saw Kenji-kun's picture. "Professor, this is my new target. The hockey player Kenji Asakawa!"
"Kenji Asakawa," Professor Tomoe said. "Mimete, do you truly believe that his heart would be pure enough to awaken the Messiah?" Why was the professor questioning my choice of candidate? Is it possible that he knows I picked Kenji-kun based on his looks and fame, and not his heart?
"Of course it will be!" I replied. "How can someone who looks like that not have a pure heart?"
The Professor sighed. "Mimete, do you know just how important this task is?"
"Of course I know how important this task is, Professor, are you questioning my dedication to the Death Busters?"
My eyes began to fill with tears, and the Professor immediately looked more gentle. Works every time.

"So that's how she wrapped the Professor around her little finger!" Viluy said. "I always wondered about that."
"Viluy, I'm trying to read here! Do you want to hear the rest of this before Tellu comes back or not?"
"Sorry, Cyprine." Cyprine continued to read Mimete's journal.

"Mimete," he said. "I didn't ask that to question your dedication to the Death Busters."
"You didn't?"
"No. It is essential that we find pure hearts to awaken the Messiah to get the power to bring our master here. Now that the Sailor Senshi have the Holy Grail, those pure hearts will be needed more than ever. I am counting on you, Mimete."
"Yes, Professor." I said, and walked out of the lab.

* * * * *

That afternoon I picked out a great outfit to wear to the game since it was sunny and warm today: a nice top, a mini-skirt, some knee-high boots, and a jacket for later. Then I collected my briefcase from the Professor's lab, left the office, and walked down to the hockey field. There was a group of girls there already, so I mingled with them, eventually working my way to the front. I ended up standing beside a girl with shoulder-length brown hair up in a half-ponytail, another girl with long blonde hair in a style that looked like two odango, with hair trailing down from each odango that reached to her knees, and a little one with pink hair done in the same style as the blonde girl, but the hair trailing down only reached her shoulders.

"Mmm, I could go for some odango right now. Cleaning up's hungry work!"
Cyprine stopped reading, and glared at Viluy.
"Viluy! That's the second time you've interrupted me!"
"Sorry." Cyprine started reading again.

The three of them were discussing Kenji-kun!
"Look at him, isn't he hot?" said the brunette girl.
"Where, Naru-chan?� the blonde girl said. The brunette pointed to Kenji-kun, who was playing left-wing, I think.
“Oh, you're right! He is hot!" the blonde girl said.
"Usagi-chan, you already have a boyfriend!" said the brunette. "You shouldn't be drooling over this guy!"
"You have a boyfriend too, Naru-chan!” the blonde girl said. “There's nothing wrong with looking, right?"
"Right!" The brunette said.
"Usagi-chan," the little girl said. "If you're interested in this guy, I'll have Mamo-chan!"
"What?!? Mamo-chan's mine!" Then the blonde girl and the little girl had an argument over this Mamo-chan, who I assumed was the blonde girl's boyfriend. Then there was a cheer, and the brunette spoke up.
"Usagi-chan! Kenji-kun scored a goal!"
"Really? Wow!"

I glared at the two girls. Kenji-kun scored a goal, and I missed it because I was watching them fight! They'll pay for that later. I turned my attention back to Kenji-kun. He looked so cool running everywhere, tackling the opposing players, and scoring goals. It would almost be a shame to steal his pure heart. I shook my head. What was I saying? I had to go through with it, otherwise I'd be labelled a traitor to the Death Busters! I kept watching Kenji-kun, and tried to ignore the two girls, who started fighting over “Mamo-chan” again.

�First notebooks, now scythes, what else do humans think Death Gods use, toilet brushes? You haven’t even transformed! OK. Repeat after me, ‘Death God Power, Make Up!’” - Oliver.

The rest. ^^;

****

Finally, the whistle sounded for full-time. It was now late afternoon, and it was starting to get cold. The wind was blowing a little harder than it was before the game, so I put on my jacket. I was about to head down to the clubrooms to look for Kenji-kun, when the brunette girl said "I'm gonna try to get Kenji-kun's autograph!" "Naru-chan, wait for me!" the blonde one replied.
"I'm going too! Wait for me!" the little one said, and they dashed off to the clubrooms. They were going to go get Kenji-kun's autograph? I wanted one too! I grabbed my briefcase, and dashed after them.
When we got to where Kenji-kun was sitting, he said "I'll be signing no more autographs today." I leaned against the clubroom wall. No more autographs? That couldn't be, that just couldn't be! Not after I'd gotten all dressed up, and watched the game and everything! The cold late afternoon wind swirled around my knees, and I started to regret wearing the mini-skirt. I approached Kenji-kun as the other three disappointed girls walked away.

"Kenji-san," I said. "Can I talk to you alone for a minute?"
"Sure," Kenji-kun said. "What is this about?"
I led Kenji-kun around the corner to the back of the building, then I leaned up and whispered in his ear.
"I want to know if you have a pure heart."
"A what? Is this some kind of joke?" he said.
"This is no joke, Kenji-san!"
"You're crazy, whoever you are!" Kenji-kun said, and turned to walk away. I clenched my fists, and began trembling with anger. How DARE he call me crazy! I threw off my disguise and revealed my usual battle costume. The wind seemed to go right through my battle costume, or at least it felt that way. I suddenly felt very cold, but refused to let that show on my face or in my actions.
"What the?! Who are you?" Kenji-kun said.
"Kenji-san, I am Mimete, the leader of the Witches 5. Today I will steal your pure heart!" I opened my briefcase. "Go, Uhokee!"
Uhokee appeared from inside my briefcase. She was a little taller than me, and was dressed in shorts and a shirt, sneakers, was wearing shin pads, and carried a hockey stick. Kenji-kun seemed to be in shock at the sight of Uhokee. Uhokee stood still, and looked from Kenji to me, and back again.
"Well?" I said. "Steal his pure heart!"
"But you haven't blown the whistle! The game hasn't started yet!" Uhokee said. I glared at Uhokee.
"Just do it!"

Kenji-kun started to run away, but Uhokee grabbed him, and pinned him to the ground. She then sucked out Kenji-kun's heart crystal, and swallowed it. He looked so cute lying on the ground, and for a moment I considered telling Uhokee to return the crystal, then thought better of it.
"Excellent work. Let's go, Uhokee!" We were just about to leave when we heard a voice.
"Hold it right there!"
I whirled around, looking for the source of the voice. "Who's there?" I asked.
The field's floodlights turned on, illuminating two girls in sailor uniforms, one tall, and one small.
"I am the pretty soldier of love and justice, Sailor Moon!" the taller girl said.
"And I am the pretty soldier in training, Sailor Chibimoon!" the smaller girl said, and they both struck their usual pose.
"In the name of the moon, we will punish you!" both girls said.
"Not them again! Uhokee, get rid of them!" I said.

Uhokee put the end of her hockey stick onto the ground, and made a hockey ball appear in front it. She pulled back the stick, and hit the ball hard, aiming it directly at Sailor Moon, who didn't see the ball coming until the last second, and then dodged it. Uhokee then kept smacking hockey balls at both girls, until they were trapped together in a corner. Uhokee lined up her next shot, aiming it squarely at the girls. Sailor Moon moved to protect Sailor Chibimoon, and waited for the ball to connect with her body. Suddenly, a rose smacked into the hockey ball. The ball stopped moving, and fell to the ground.
"Who threw that?" Uhokee said. The two girls looked up at the clubhouse roof, and smiled.
"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" they said.
"Our sporting heroes all have a dream, and they work very hard to achieve it." Tuxedo Kamen said. "They inspire us to work harder, and achieve our own dreams. Evil people like you have no right to destroy their lives and dreams. That is all."
Tuxedo Kamen disappeared, and the girls looked at the spot where he stood. "Tuxedo Kamen-sama..."
"Uhokee, finish them off while they're staring after that guy!" I hissed.
"But I'm out of hockey balls, and it's not even half-time yet!" Uhokee said.
"Well, do something! Anything!" I said.

Uhokee stood up, and ran at the girls. They turned, and Sailor Chibimoon pulled out a little wand.
"Pink sugar heart a-" Uhokee got right up close to Chibimoon, and she panicked, laying her wand on the brooch in the middle of the front bow on her uniform. "-ttack." The wand glowed, and made a noise.
"My attack worked on the first try!" Chibimoon said. "But why isn't the hearts hitting the Daimon?" Sailor Moon looked at Chibimoon.
"Your wand's pointed at your henshin brooch, that's why."
Sailor Moon laughed, and Chibimoon glared at her, moving the wand so what was left of the attack would hit Uhokee, forcing her to fall back. Sailor Moon glanced at Chibimoon, and looked worried.
"Chibimoon, your henshin brooch is glowing pink, and it's spreading!" The pink glow kept spreading, until it engulfed Chibimoon completely. Uhokee and I stared at the little brat, wondering what was happening. Then the pink glow wore off.

"Odd," I said. "She looks more pink and spongy than I remembered." Chibimoon's body and uniform had taken on a pink colour, and she looked squishy.
"Help! Sailor Moon! What happened to me!" Chibimoon said.
"I don't know, but it'll be alright." Sailor Moon hugged Sailor Chibimoon, near squashing her. "Sorry, Chibimoon, but you're so squishy now." She eased her grip on Chibimoon, and she went back to her normal shape. Sailor Moon then began to suck absentmindedly on one of Chibimoon's odango. "Mmm, tastes like marshmallows."
"I'm a marshmallow?" Chibimoon said, feeling a trickle of warm drool running through her hair. Then she realized what Sailor Moon was doing, and panicked. "AAA! HELP! Sailor Moon, don't eat me!"
I started giggling, then Uhokee and I began to laugh, and fell to the ground, unable to control our laughter.
"She's Sailor Chibimarshmallow!" I said. "This is so funny!"

Then I turned around, and saw a planet-shaped ball of purple energy, aimed at me and Uhokee! I rolled out of its way, and it hit Uhokee squarely. Uhokee fell to the ground, and looked to be badly hurt. Then two more planet-shaped balls of energy, one yellow, and one blue slammed into Uhokee.
"Now, Sailor Moon!" A voice said.
With that, Sailor Moon snapped out of her daze, and suddenly realized what she had been absentmindedly sucking on.
"AAA! Chibimoon, I'm so sorry!" She stepped away from Chibimoon, pulled out the Holy Grail, and transformed again.
"So... beautiful..." I said softly, then I caught myself. "What am I saying? She's the enemy!"
Sailor Moon then performed her attack, destroying Uhokee. Uhokee disappeared, leaving a hockey ball, and Kenji-kun's heart crystal behind. I decided to leave, knowing I had screwed up again. I took one last look at Sailor Chibimarshmallow, and saw that two other sailor senshi were standing next to her looking worried, and were talking to Sailor Moon, who also looked worried. Another sailor senshi was returning Kenji-kun's heart crystal. I left before they noticed I was still there.

* * * * *

I returned to the Professor's lab after the fight, to report what had happened. "Professor, I failed again. I tried really, really hard this time!" The Professor gave me a hug.
"Mimete, there is always tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that."
"Really?" I said.
"Yes," he said. "Keep working hard, and keep trying. I'm counting on you, Mimete."
"I will, Professor!" I said, and heard the Professor pick up the phone receiver just before I closed the lab door.

* * * * *

"Well, what happened next?" Viluy said. Cyprine closed the book.
"That was the last entry," she said. "I guess that was the last battle Mimete walked away from. Now she's gone, and Tellu's lording it over us that she's the leader. Someone needs to take her down a peg or two."
"Take who down a peg or two?" A voice said, and Cyprine gasped.
"Cyprine said.. ow!" Cyprine poked Viluy in the side with her elbow, just hard enough for it to hurt. Tellu glared at both of them.
�Who do you think needs to be taken down a peg or two, Cyprine?” Tellu said.
"Nobody." Cyprine said quickly. Tellu knew that Cyprine was talking about her, but she didn't care. Tellu was leader of the Death Busters now, and the Professor's favourite. Both Viluy and Cyprine knew it.
"I see. You two were supposed to clean up this office! It's still a mess! Once you're done in here, you can clean up the main lab as well. I have my plants to attend to." Tellu left the office, and headed to the room where she kept her plants.
Viluy and Cyprine grumbled, and started cleaning the office again.

THE END

�First notebooks, now scythes, what else do humans think Death Gods use, toilet brushes? You haven’t even transformed! OK. Repeat after me, ‘Death God Power, Make Up!’” - Oliver.

jencatd. I just found this. I haven't a clue about fanfic, but this is fun!
How did it go in the competition?

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

'Southern Scriber.'

Glad you liked it. :)

It won "Best Comedy" in the competition, and Mimete was one of my favourite villains from the Sailor Moon series. I do get a bit lazy with fanfic though, since the world and characters are already created, and anyone who knows the series will know the characters already. It's a bad habit to get into, but fanfic seems to lend itself to it. ^^;

�First notebooks, now scythes, what else do humans think Death Gods use, toilet brushes? You haven’t even transformed! OK. Repeat after me, ‘Death God Power, Make Up!’” - Oliver.

Ah well that's creative writing for you. It can take you anywhere.
I read some on the site given above, there were some interesting ones.
King of the Hill for example is one show we enjoy on TV here.
Hank is so moralistic, can lead to all sorts of situations.

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

'Southern Scriber.'

LOL, jencatd, thanks for putting this ficcy up, I loved it!! Definitely deserves the win :)